Emotions pt.2

It's getting harder...........

I just want to curl up in a little ball and die..........

I just can't seem to get a handle on my emotions...........

I want to cry ALL the time..........

I feel SO worthless..........

unloved............

unwanted...........

a burden............

What is there truly to love about me? I'm fat........unattractive........not the smartest person..........

I need to feel needed, wanted, LOVED!!! DAMN IT!!!

I feel so damaged..........so fragile............

Will I ever get what I need for a change?

I feel so alone...........

...............will this never end...............?

Emotions

There are so many emotions that I am going through right now. Some of them are happiness, sadness, devastation, excitement......and a lot of turmoil. On one day one emotion would outweigh the others and on another day another emotion will be triumphant. And through all this I am trying to lose weight.......fast. This doesn't help my emotional state, either. I have such a terrible self-view of myself. I feel fat, worthless, unwanted and unneeded a lot of the time. I do have my good days, too, though.

Emotional turmoil is hard.......so very hard........

I admit.......I have had thoughts now and again of making it all stop. Could I truly do it?.......I doubt it. Emma would be my biggest concern. I don't think I could truly do that to her. She needs her mommy.

I have battled these thoughts and emotions for a few years now. Are they stronger at this time? It could possibly be because I am having a much stronger bout of PMS this month. I don't know. It is hard to talk about this to ANYONE. You want to keep the emotions close to you so they aren't trampled on or dismissed as not being important or irrational. I hate it when people say, "Oh, you are just being irrational." Well, the emotions are rational to me.

I'm dealing with this the best that I can. Please, everyone, be patient with me. This might all blow over.......this is something that I just have to work out myself.

Move over bacon.....!!!

Well, it's official. I am now on my way to losing weight. It isn't the best way, by far, but it is getting results.....slowly but steadily. I don't know how much I have lost because I don't own a scale, yet. It is enough to show, though! YAY!

The way I am doing it is basically cutting my calories back DRASTICALLY. I maybe eat between 500-800 calories a day. Yes, I am always hungry.......to the point where my tummy talks to everyone in a growly voice.......lol. I know it isn't healthy, but it's my body. I am, at least, taking a good complete vitamin every day to make sure I am getting some kind of nutrient support.

My goal is to lose 80 lbs. It would be nice if I can lose 20-30 lbs by Christmas. I am going to start up walking here in the very near future to speed up the process. I want to be back down to my size 8 that I was when my hubby met me. I used to think I was fat back then, but now that I have surpassed that weight with flying colors....lol....I now consider that a damned fine size. It's amazing how life goes about putting things into perspective.

So, I will keep you posted to the weight loss. I do plan on getting a scale to mark my progress.

BOO!!!

I absolutely LOVE Halloween! If I could I would have a storage unit FULL of decorations and costumes. Decorating for holidays is one of the things I love to do. It is really hard to pick each year between doing cutesy decorations or doing scary decorations. Last year was the first year of me staying home handing out goodies while my hubby and daughter go out trick-or-treating. I love to see all the little ones come to my door all dressed up and seeing the excitement in their eyes.

We plan on pulling out all the decorations that are boxed up in the back of our closet so we can get to it and decorate, decorate, decorate! There are some really cool neighbors in the apartment next to us and hopefully they like to decorate, too. Maybe we could combine our efforts and do something really cool. We live in single story apartments that have their own yards, pretty much, so it makes it even better.

This year I plan on not handing out candy, but instead, handing out little tubs of Playdough. First, we don't need to have the extra candy that is left over adding to what my daughter brings home. Second, my hubby is Diabetic and doesn't need the temptation.....(he'll still get into Emma's candy, but at least it won't be more than necessary.) And thirdly, kids like to get other stuff besides candy, too.

I hope this year's Halloween will be a fun and safe one for us and for everyone else with little ones. Have a wonderful All Hallow's Eve!!!

Friends from the past

I had a few friends in high school. Some of them went their seperate ways and some of them stayed in contact. One of them mostly used my mother as the contact since I moved a few times, but my mom was always stationary. The last time I saw this friend was at my 10 year high school reunion (20 yr is in 2012).

Well, one day I was sitting on the couch and the phone rang. When I saw her name on the caller ID I was really surprised. I had only ever got emails from her for the past few years. She was wanting to know if I wanted company for the next few days. I said, "Of course!" She was coming over from the coast leaving her 9 yr old daughter behind (because of school) and bringing her 2 yr old. We figured she could stay with us in our tiny little apartment.

Needless to say, it was interesting to have a 2 yr old running around. Annoying at times, but hey, I'm used to a 7 yr old. The visit was really nice, though. She is the only friend that I feel comfortable talking about ANYTHING to, and she actually listens instead of playing "who's worse off". It will be quite a while till her next visit. I will look forward to that.

Children in their natural state.........oblivion.

Field trips are a wonderful thing. Kids get to be outdoors in the fresh air experiencing new and wondrous things. As for the teachers and their aids/volunteer parents, they get to converse about other things besides school in a more comfortable atmosphere. Sounds good, right?

Wrong.

It never goes the way you expect. Oh, no. The volunteers get assigned certain kids to keep an eye on while on the field trip. It is their responsibility to keep them in line and together, making sure they pay attention to what the field trip is all about and out of trouble. Seems easy enough. NOT! In my group I had 6 kids, my hubby had 6 kids and the teacher had 7. Of course, to make things really interesting, each group had a problem child. I had the one that has been indulged all her life and doesn't understand why she can't always get her way. My hubby had one that was constantly needing to be separated from another, loud, and always tending to cause trouble. The teacher had the rest of the kids who were "antsy".....lol. Of course, they all played off each other's personality and quirks to make it a very eventful outing.

It's over now, so I can look back and laugh at it. LOL! Next year will be the Salmon Festival field trip. I am looking forward to that........a 1/2 hour bus ride to another town each way.......yay.

Fall is in the air

Warm sweaters, snuggly socks, blustery days, red/yellow/orange leaves.......Fall is in the air. One of my favorite times of the year. I love the smell of the crisp wind and seeing the changes that nature brings. It's invigorating! When I was up on the mountain for our Women's Retreat I was surrounded by it all. What a wonderful thing. (Btw, I had a great time.) I am looking forward to all the leaves in my yard swirling around as the wind blows through. Ah, bliss!

A little Daddy/Daughter time

While I am away this weekend, my hubby is planning special things to do with our daughter. It will start with asking her what she wants for dinner and, if it is reasonable, having that. Then they will go to the store and pick out ANY kind of ice cream, for dessert, that she wants. They plan on "camping out" in the living room for the night.

The next day a trip to the park is planned, and who knows, even a 1/2 price drink at Sonics between 2-4pm on the way back.

There will probably be other little things as well, so it should be an enjoyable weekend for all.

And on top of that...

Aunt Flo is a bitch! She is rude and conniving......and very inconvenient! *sighs* So, on top of my cold I have to deal with her for this weekend. I guess no hot tub for me......*pouts* As if I would get into a bathing suit in front of those ladies, anyway.

What is funny is that this exact same situation happened last year at the first Women's Retreat, sans cold. I hope they move next year's retreat back or ahead a week......LOL! Menopause........where are you!!!

*Cough, cough, sniff, sniff...*

UGH! I hate being sick. School just started and already Emma has the sniffles and I have a sore throat and stuffy nose. I love kids and their millions of shared germs. The sore throat is the worst. Not very many things can be done about that, especially at night when you are trying to sleep. Sucking on a cough drop and sleeping doesn't mix very well. You either choke on the damn thing, or you wake up the next morning with it stuck to the inside of your cheek leaving a rough/raw spot that just feels wrong.

And why do colds always hit when you have somewhere to go within a few days of getting one? I might have to resort to bathing in orange juice and being hopped up on meds to kick this thing before I have to leave for our church's Women's Retreat this weekend.