Confliction

I seem to be pulled in two different directions........

For quite a few years I have been having thoughts of being with other women besides my relationship with my husband.

I have always had these thoughts and feelings, but in different degrees, always fluctuating. Being raised as a Christian goes against these things. I'm conflicted. It almost becomes painful when my two sides battle one another. I have only had two experiences with women in the past. I enjoyed it, but only to a certain degree. The way I look and feel about myself kept getting in the way. I don't feel desireable to anyone. That would certainly put a damper on things, huh. I would like to explore more of my other side, but I have to become more comfortable with myself. Boy, is that sure a work in progress!

Am I feeling these emotions and attractions because I am not getting the full attention that I need in my marriage? Is it because women are more in tune with other women? Is this because of what I experienced as a child growing up from my father's mental and emotional abuse? And therein lies the conflict. I may never find the missing pieces of my life. I want to be whole.......fixed.......complete. Until then, I will exist.